November 14, 2009

Sometimes you really want to kiss a person but you just can’t. That’s the worst. That’s a terrible kind of hunger. There have been many boys (and girls) in my life that I’ve wanted to kiss and never did. Sometimes I still think about these people. I hope they’re all well. I hope someday the universe lets them know I still think about them. That sounds really stupid to say. Whatever. I guess I say a lot of stupid stuff. Actually I think the stupid thing is to NOT say the things you want to say. Like: I’d love to tell her that I’m pretty pissed off at her for not calling me yesterday. I’d love to tell him that I’m not that excited to have class together next semester. I’d love to tell her that I have a terrible crush on her boyfriend. Imagine if we all just spoke our minds freely all the time. I guess that’s what poets do. I guess the whole point of poetry is to say that which you are afraid to say. Jack always talks about “vulnerability with teeth.” He’s right. Vulnerability can knock a person on their ass. No one expects it. In today’s hard world no one expects to be told the truth. No one expects to receive any genuine smiles or hugs. Everything is plastered in this façade. I have a lot that I’d love to share with people. I’d love to tell Frankie that the night he gave me those small green stars, I kept them attached to my book bag via safety pin for months. I’d also like to tell him that I stalked his livejournal. I’d like to tell my mother that sometimes she makes me feel like I don’t exist. I’d like to tell Joanna that I’m scared we’re drifting apart again. I’d like to tell Sam to slow down and not live life so quickly. I’d appreciate their honesty as well. I miss being a child and having it be okay to speak my mind. Like how my kid cousin once told me that I was “gross.” Though a vague remark, it was sincere and for that it was appreciated. I’d like to be able to tell my American Studies professor that her 10 page term paper assignment is “gross.” I’d like to be able to hold a stranger’s hand on the train. I’d like to be able to kiss him and I’d like for him to be able to kiss me right back.