November 17, 2009

I wish things were easier. Dave talked to all the Creative Writing majors today about how he’s pushing 30 and still not anywhere close to being financially comfortable. This is why I’m not concentrated in Creative Writing, but rather in Secondary English Education. I’m sure it’s romantic to live the role of the starving artist; but it’s just not where I want to be in life. I don’t think I could ever just sit around hoping to strike it big. I’ve learned that one needs to be way more proactive about things. I want to do it all. I want to conquer all three fields of English. I want to work in publishing, write on the side, and eventually be a lecturer at a university or something. I know this sounds idealistic but I don’t see why it can’t be done. I’ve always been good at playing multiple roles. I adapt to things quickly. I just want someone to take me seriously for once. Lately it doesn’t really feel like anyone’s taking me seriously. Everyone assumes I’m an idiot. The other day Patrick even said the words “…though I don’t think you’re smart enough for that.” to me. I can’t remember what we were talking about but that was really rude and uncalled for. Especially considering I'm sitting pretty on a 4.0 GPA and an application into the Honors English Program. Not to mention the constant stream of emails I keep getting fromt he English Department, begging me to work as a paid tudor at the Writing Center. So Fuck you. Just cause I don't talk about it, doesn't mean I'm an imbacile. Lately, Creative Writing has just been making me feel really insecure and inferior. The workshops stretch me thin. So what if it’s not punctuated correctly? Didn’t it make you feel anything? The chronic analysis of my writing is pushing my boundaries of comfort. I know I should just suck it up because it's bullshit anyways, but I think I’m having an identity crisis of some sort. Things have been weird lately. I think I'm having a mixed mood episode because I want to die but at the same time I can't eat or sleep and I just feel really energized all the time. I really need medication. I've been saying this for 4 solid years now. I really need to stop putting things off. I'm just afraid no one will take me seriously. I'm also afraid that nothing will work and I'll be crazy forever. I can't center my thoughts... or myself for that matter. Ugh, whatever.