November 27, 2009

You ever have one of those nights where you can feel the universe breathing? You know it’s a living thing filled with intricacies and complexities and the most beautiful balance of good and bad. Tonight’s one of those nights for me. I was sitting here trying to think of a good concept for my short story assignment for Dave’s class when I just started thinking about the universe. I thought about how many people I see in a day and how many of the faces in my classes I actually see, really take a look at. I was talking to Joe last week about the quiet, shy kids in my classes. The ones that never speak and I only find out their names days before the semester ends. I told him I barely even knew they existed. Then he said something that really struck me. He said, “Oh no… I always notice them. I don’t always know their names but I always notice them.” Tonight I thought about how many times I have actually noticed a person before. I can only think of two times that I was consciously aware of seeing a person. This made me sad because I love people. I love this universe and this life so very, very much. I love being such a tiny piece of it and knowing that even though I’m so small I am a chamber of infinite possibilities. I love every tear and every giggle that has laced my life thus far. It’s all so very beautiful when you think about it. The infiniteness of it all. I want more of it. I think we all do. I think this is why people get drunk or do drugs or believe in God. I think we all just want to feel a little more connected to one another. This is why it is so much easier to kiss someone when you’re plastered than when you’re completely sober. Everyone wants connection, we’re just afraid to admit this. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. The next time the train is crowded I will give my seat up to the person closest to me so they will know that even a stranger is willing to take them into consideration. The next time I’m in a dinner at 3am I will make the wait staff let me wash my own plate so they can relax a little. The next time a homeless man asks me for change I will ask them to tell me a good story in exchange for it, so they feel a little more dignified and I feel a little less used. I want to start living. I want to start doing things that validate my existence. I don’t know if this will bring me closer to God, but I know it will bring me closer to myself; and that’s really all I want. I just want to know that I exist for a reason.