December 20, 2009

Oh what I wouldn't give for a smoke right now. I don't even smoke, really. It's why I gave my whole pack of Marlboros to Kristen. It's not that I'm against it for moral reasons or am cautious about my health, I just never even think to light up a cigarette. It only occurs to me to smoke when I'm in a circle of people who are all individual smokers. I guess I'm a "social smoker" but honestly, who in New York isnt? Everyone here is so stressed out all the time; and I know that it's cool being healthy and self-aware now, but Big Tobacco is a part of culture, man. Anyways, I think I want a smoke right now because I'm really anxious and lonley. At this point I'm not even worried about finishing my term paper, I know I'll finish it. I'm just driving myself mad with self doubt. I feel like every sentance I add to this analysis is another nail in my coffin. It's stupid. Whatever, I don't even care anymore. It snowed like a foot of snow overnight. I was up until 6am working on my paper so I watched the inches pile up, and listened to the snow plows scrape along the roads. Snow is nice, but since Joanna moved to CT it's not the same. What was once this exciting big deal, is now just another small detail of life. It's like that joke that you told one time too many and somewhere along the line it stopped being funny. I guess I'm not a kid anymore, and nothing is new to me. Maybe this is why I want to be in love with someone. That would be new to me. I want to be in love and feel like there's still a whole plethora of things to experience. Right now I just feel cemented into this redundant reality. Right now I really want to call someone up and go see a movie, or make a snowangel. Right now I want to lay in bed and listen to Beirut. I want to have a fantastic conversation about theology with someone. I want to do anything but sit here and stare at this Microsoft Office Word Document and google MLA citation. I really need a smoke, or maybe I just wish someone else was around so I could watch them smoke. I don't even know anymore...