December 5, 2009

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I realize, I love Jim Carey so much more in his serious roles. I actually really hate him as a comedian. I can’t connect with his humor. I’m not sure why; I just know it doesn’t make me laugh. Comedy is tricky. I can’t tell you why I laugh at the things I laugh at. I can’t categorize for you the multiple kinds of comedy that exist. Sometimes I make people laugh when I am being very serious. Other times, my humor really upsets people. People ask me if I’m “okay” all the time now. I never really know what to say. Of course I’m “okay.” I’m not sure what the opposite of “okay” is, and since I don’t know that, I can’t be that; so I got to be okay, right? A Yahoo news story once told me the meaning behind the acronym ‘O.K.’ I don’t think I read the whole thing because I can’t remember it now. The phone just rang and I lost my entire thought process here. It was my mother’s friend. Apparently my mother isn’t answering her cell phone. Her friend was concerned. I’m not concerned. I know exactly what is going on, though I really wish I didn’t. I have so much more to say about this, but I can’t say it. I don’t want to think about it. I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could hire someone to go into my brain and delete all the awful memories. I want them to delete the time I spit in Victoria’s face during Library Study because that was really uncouth. I want them to delete the time I was riding my bike in the rain and hit the brakes too hard and slid under a car, because that was the last time I ever rode a bike and I'd really like to ride a bike again. I want them to delete the time those kids cornered me and Jo and threatened to kill us if we didn’t give them our money, because that made me afraid to walk home for months and it made me feel like I was a bad friend to Jo for being afraid. Those are just some specific memories I’d like removed. There’s a lot more that I’d need them to slice out too, though. Things that are not so specific. Things like: the moment I started hating myself so much; or the moment I decided to build a wall; or the moment I stopped being happy. I’d like those things taken out as well, because I’d imagine my life would be a lot simpler without them. Maybe then I’d be able to kiss a boy sober and really mean it. That’d be so nice. I’d imagine it’d be really wonderful.