December 6, 2009

I like Polaroids. The shitty quality makes the pictures seem automatically dated. Everyone looks like they're from a former decade in a Polaroid, no matter how recently the photo was taken. I like this. It allows me to see what my youth will look like to me when I'm old. It also allows me to see what my youth will look like to my future children. Lately I've been thinking about children a lot. I'm not sure why. I'm not really a kid person. I mean kids are alright, but I've never been one of those people who fusses over babies and smiles at every child I come accross. They've just never been my thing. Not sure why. This is why I have failed miserably at remaining sane during every babysitting job I've ever got hired for. However, lately it's been really different. Lately I find myself really smiling at kids, and waving to babies, and making stupid faces at toddlers and delighting in their giggles and sqeals. Today I spent a few hours wandering around a ridiculously crowded Toys 'R' Us, shopping for Christmas gifts, and I actually enjoyed myself the whole time I was there. It made me really happy inside to see all those little kids' faces light up whenever they picked up a new toy. Even the sad ones that were cranky and tired, fussing in their strollers made me smile because something about being able to burst into hysterical sobs in the middle of the toy store, seems very liberating and I guess I was just living vicariously. As kids, Joanna and I always played house, but very rarely did I ever volunteer to be the Mom. Then as I grew older, I grew more disinterested in children and eventually reached a state of complete misunderstanding. I just didn't understand kids, so I avoided them. So, in high school when Sister Margaret had us fill out all those questionaire things about what we'd be good at in the future, and when Ms. Schwartz had us present our Future Lives to the guidance class, I assumed I'd be living in some fantastically foreign land and children would obviously not be on my silver platter. Up until now. I don't know what it is that I ate, but oh man are babies awesome. I don't want one, but I'd love to just play with one. Babies and children are fantastic. They're like little people! I don't know why this reality didn't occur to me sooner. I have no idea why it occured to me all of a sudden, either! I just know that I'm starting to actually look forward to the day that I have a baby of my own, so I can read to her/him and teach her/him how to play with all of her/his toys, and eventually... one day, sit on a dusty attic floor with two cups of freshly brewed tea, together flipping through old Polaroids of my youth.