January 1, 2010

Well the new year is here. I went to Kristen and Tasha's party last night. It was at Dode's house, but Dode was upstate. I can't decide if I had fun or not. No, that's not right. I know I had fun, but I find myself unsettled by that reality. I'd imagine it's an emotion very similar to the one Oppenheimer must have felt when he realized that in one action he both achieved a great success and paved the way for even greater tragedy. I just feel like I want to celebrate my progression towards adulthood, but I shouldn't glorify the means by which I achieved it. I feel very alone. Very incredibly alone. I'm often lonely, however this is something much different. It feels bigger, like it's going to swallow me whole. I feel like I'm getting lost in my own head sometimes. My memory has been terrible. I've been forgetting to eat. I think that's the result of stress and lack of sleep. Something deep inside of me is telling me to anticipate a breakdown; and I don't mean a panic attack. I feel like something in the air is stirring and a great change is coming. There's a line in You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan's character says something along the lines of "People are always telling me that change is good, but all that really means is that something you didn't want to happen, has happened." I feel like my whole life has been a happening that I didn't ask for. The other night, when I was in CT visiting Joanna, we got to talking and I told her a few things about my childhood. She ended up crying, and I ended in hysterical laughter. I guess that's just life? Comedy and tragedy seem to be conjoined by some vital organ; the two are inseperable. They complete each other, ironically enough. Fitzgerald has a quote about how being a genius is defined by one's ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time, and have them both make sense without cancelling each other out. I feel as though that's the perfect way to describe things right now. I feel like there are two polar opposite people inside of my head and both of them make perfect sense, I just don't know which to trust. I'm not implying I'm some sort of genius, but there is, afterall, a fine line between brilliance and madness. Or perhaps the two are simply conjoined at the spine.