December 20, 2009

Oh what I wouldn't give for a smoke right now. I don't even smoke, really. It's why I gave my whole pack of Marlboros to Kristen. It's not that I'm against it for moral reasons or am cautious about my health, I just never even think to light up a cigarette. It only occurs to me to smoke when I'm in a circle of people who are all individual smokers. I guess I'm a "social smoker" but honestly, who in New York isnt? Everyone here is so stressed out all the time; and I know that it's cool being healthy and self-aware now, but Big Tobacco is a part of culture, man. Anyways, I think I want a smoke right now because I'm really anxious and lonley. At this point I'm not even worried about finishing my term paper, I know I'll finish it. I'm just driving myself mad with self doubt. I feel like every sentance I add to this analysis is another nail in my coffin. It's stupid. Whatever, I don't even care anymore. It snowed like a foot of snow overnight. I was up until 6am working on my paper so I watched the inches pile up, and listened to the snow plows scrape along the roads. Snow is nice, but since Joanna moved to CT it's not the same. What was once this exciting big deal, is now just another small detail of life. It's like that joke that you told one time too many and somewhere along the line it stopped being funny. I guess I'm not a kid anymore, and nothing is new to me. Maybe this is why I want to be in love with someone. That would be new to me. I want to be in love and feel like there's still a whole plethora of things to experience. Right now I just feel cemented into this redundant reality. Right now I really want to call someone up and go see a movie, or make a snowangel. Right now I want to lay in bed and listen to Beirut. I want to have a fantastic conversation about theology with someone. I want to do anything but sit here and stare at this Microsoft Office Word Document and google MLA citation. I really need a smoke, or maybe I just wish someone else was around so I could watch them smoke. I don't even know anymore...

December 18, 2009

When I first met Emma she was, to put it blatantly, a badass. She lived over the bridge, dyed her long hair black, wore jelly bracelets, had her eyebrow pierced, wore eyeliner and listened to screamo music. She sat in front of me in Kumar's class and the first time I mustered up enough courage to compliment her outfit, she looked up at me and said "Thanks." That was it. As high school progressed, she went on to get her lip pierced on the street of St. Mark's and tell me how she couldn't go to public high school because some girl threatened to kill her. I was afraid of Emma and absolutely intrigued. She introduced my high school to myspace and when I went to friend request her, her profile page read "Emmabean the Scene Queen." She seemed to be so far ahead of everyone else and I never imagined that by the end of a few short years, she would go on to become one of my absolute best friends. The reason I'm telling you this is because, it's funny how things end up changing. Change is weird because often it's slow and you don't notice it until you look back at someone like Emma and realize how much is different. Today, Emma attends an all women's equestrian academy college in Virgina. Her hair is her natural light brown. She listens to Sufjan Stevens and studies media. She drives a Honda, and hosts our traditional game nights in her dining room. The only reminder of her old self, is her lip ring, which has been downgraded to a small stud. Her dorm room is scattered with polka dots, and she shops at H&M. It may seem like she's become a whole new person, but she hasn't. She's still the same girl who hates roller coasters, dates Nick, and works in a library. She still hasn't pierced her ears, and she still hates feet. She still loves hummus, talks in funny accents, and laughs at poop jokes with Kristen. She's always been Emma, but lately she's just been a grown up version. It's strange how much things change. It's even stranger how much things stay the same.

December 8, 2009

Tonight it is snowing and snow always triggers a great wave of nostalgia for me. So instead of sitting here writing my term paper, I'm sitting here listening to "Talk About" by Dear and the Headlights, drinking cold tea, and thinking about a whole plethora of random memories. Today, instead of studying for the math test I bombed, Cory, Kapo and I got to talking about how everyone in college is so wild and we're not. A small part of me wants to be wild and crazy, but in reality that's not who I am. I know it's stupid, but I'm a Charlie (Perks of Being a Wallflower, anyone? Read it!) and that baisically means that I think too much in order to participate in all of these "normal" activities. You can sit me down and make me watch porn, but I'll just sit and be sad and think about the people in the video who were once babies and had mothers who probably loved them a lot and wouldn't want them doing what they're doing now; and how the whole industry traps women into these stereotypes, and how there's so little solidarity among feminists and why this is all just awfully sad. I guess I'm too emotionally involved in everything. That doesn't mean I can't have fun, though. I have so many great memories and none of them involve sex or drugs (though many do involve Rock and Roll). I remember the time Kapo and I ate our Biology lab instead of using it to build a DNA strand. I remember the time Jo and I built a snow ramp for our sleds and she ended up doing a 360 flip in mid air. I remember the time Victoria and I made a watery paste from the berries that grew in her yard and tried to feed it to her dog. I remember that after we left Meghan's party, we all decided to go to Playland for an hour and ride the roller coasters at night. I remember the time Michelle and I trekked the Black Cow Coffeehouse for one of Anthony's shows, and how we got yelled at by a conductor for not knowing where a train's engine is located. I remember the time Kristen and I went swimming in Do's pool and after 20 minutes of coaxing her into the water she decided it was "so cold she couldn't see," and how we laughed about that for hours afterward. I remember all the bus rides home from Yearbook with Nia, and how a simple croissant and a stupid Dr. Pepper were the most comforting things at the end of those stressful days. I remember the time at the Nature Center that the python peed in his tank and I was the first person at work that day and had to figure out how to keep an 8 foot snake from drowning in his own urine! I remember 10th period study icees, and last period study Hot Fries. I remember all those afternoons and weekends spent at Jeena's and Namitha's houses perfecting the Senior Medley. I remeber the time my entire 4th period Art class collectively burst into tears because we were all stressed about applying to college. I remember the time Emma and I drove home from the diner singing along to Brand New at the tops of our lungs. I also remember the time Emma, Kapo, Nick, and I drove home from the beach screaming along to Brand New at the tops of our lungs. I remember the time we got kicked out of Target for racing in the carts; and all the times we got kicked out of the City Center just for standing still too long. I remember meeting Max in the back of Barnes & Noble. I remember trying to break into Kristen's house with a prayer card. I also remember having to go to Church with her, while being covered in blue marker penises because we both thought it was washable. I remember all those moments that made me laugh so hard it hurt, and cry so hard it stopped hurting. I remeber all the times that made me sit back and think about how perfect everything was. How I was so happy that if death decided to take me right then and there, I would be okay with that. I think that's what it's all about, in the long run. I think that when I am on my deathbed, watching the snow fall quietly, I will think about all of these memories and feel content. That is all that really matters in the long run.

December 6, 2009

I like Polaroids. The shitty quality makes the pictures seem automatically dated. Everyone looks like they're from a former decade in a Polaroid, no matter how recently the photo was taken. I like this. It allows me to see what my youth will look like to me when I'm old. It also allows me to see what my youth will look like to my future children. Lately I've been thinking about children a lot. I'm not sure why. I'm not really a kid person. I mean kids are alright, but I've never been one of those people who fusses over babies and smiles at every child I come accross. They've just never been my thing. Not sure why. This is why I have failed miserably at remaining sane during every babysitting job I've ever got hired for. However, lately it's been really different. Lately I find myself really smiling at kids, and waving to babies, and making stupid faces at toddlers and delighting in their giggles and sqeals. Today I spent a few hours wandering around a ridiculously crowded Toys 'R' Us, shopping for Christmas gifts, and I actually enjoyed myself the whole time I was there. It made me really happy inside to see all those little kids' faces light up whenever they picked up a new toy. Even the sad ones that were cranky and tired, fussing in their strollers made me smile because something about being able to burst into hysterical sobs in the middle of the toy store, seems very liberating and I guess I was just living vicariously. As kids, Joanna and I always played house, but very rarely did I ever volunteer to be the Mom. Then as I grew older, I grew more disinterested in children and eventually reached a state of complete misunderstanding. I just didn't understand kids, so I avoided them. So, in high school when Sister Margaret had us fill out all those questionaire things about what we'd be good at in the future, and when Ms. Schwartz had us present our Future Lives to the guidance class, I assumed I'd be living in some fantastically foreign land and children would obviously not be on my silver platter. Up until now. I don't know what it is that I ate, but oh man are babies awesome. I don't want one, but I'd love to just play with one. Babies and children are fantastic. They're like little people! I don't know why this reality didn't occur to me sooner. I have no idea why it occured to me all of a sudden, either! I just know that I'm starting to actually look forward to the day that I have a baby of my own, so I can read to her/him and teach her/him how to play with all of her/his toys, and eventually... one day, sit on a dusty attic floor with two cups of freshly brewed tea, together flipping through old Polaroids of my youth.

December 5, 2009

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I realize, I love Jim Carey so much more in his serious roles. I actually really hate him as a comedian. I can’t connect with his humor. I’m not sure why; I just know it doesn’t make me laugh. Comedy is tricky. I can’t tell you why I laugh at the things I laugh at. I can’t categorize for you the multiple kinds of comedy that exist. Sometimes I make people laugh when I am being very serious. Other times, my humor really upsets people. People ask me if I’m “okay” all the time now. I never really know what to say. Of course I’m “okay.” I’m not sure what the opposite of “okay” is, and since I don’t know that, I can’t be that; so I got to be okay, right? A Yahoo news story once told me the meaning behind the acronym ‘O.K.’ I don’t think I read the whole thing because I can’t remember it now. The phone just rang and I lost my entire thought process here. It was my mother’s friend. Apparently my mother isn’t answering her cell phone. Her friend was concerned. I’m not concerned. I know exactly what is going on, though I really wish I didn’t. I have so much more to say about this, but I can’t say it. I don’t want to think about it. I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could hire someone to go into my brain and delete all the awful memories. I want them to delete the time I spit in Victoria’s face during Library Study because that was really uncouth. I want them to delete the time I was riding my bike in the rain and hit the brakes too hard and slid under a car, because that was the last time I ever rode a bike and I'd really like to ride a bike again. I want them to delete the time those kids cornered me and Jo and threatened to kill us if we didn’t give them our money, because that made me afraid to walk home for months and it made me feel like I was a bad friend to Jo for being afraid. Those are just some specific memories I’d like removed. There’s a lot more that I’d need them to slice out too, though. Things that are not so specific. Things like: the moment I started hating myself so much; or the moment I decided to build a wall; or the moment I stopped being happy. I’d like those things taken out as well, because I’d imagine my life would be a lot simpler without them. Maybe then I’d be able to kiss a boy sober and really mean it. That’d be so nice. I’d imagine it’d be really wonderful.