November 18, 2009

When I was a kid, one of my biggest fears in life was getting separated from my mother by the subway doors. I’d grown up watching full sized adults struggle to squeeze into and out of the train cars, while wrestling their briefcases, jackets, and scarves from the closing doors. Naturally, when it came time to get on or off a train, I stuck to my mother’s leg like white on rice. Always terrified of being left behind on the platform or, worse yet, the train. To this day, I feel a bit pf panic rush through me when I find that I am boarding a train with groups of people. Even when I’m alone, I’m extra cautious of my timing. Of course I’ve been caught by the closing doors many times in my life. Of course I’ve wrestled my belongings from their mouth. Of course I’ve had them slam in my face just before squeezing through. It’s no longer as traumatic once you’ve lived through it and survived; however, even after 19 years of it, I still feel a tinge of fear or empty anticipation. Maybe fear is something that one never learns to shake. The countries of the world train their secret army units to learn to cope with fear in order to make them more clear-headed when faced with battle pressure. Fear is the most basic instinct. It’s most closely connected with self-preservation. Fear means adrenaline, adrenaline means impulse, impulse means primitive. I’ve grown up fearful of everything from train doors to invisible storybook gods. I’ve grown up afraid of rules and their consequences. I’m tired of feeling afraid. I think it’s time for me to stop caring about the timing and just take a leap of faith. I’m tired of rationalizing all of my thoughts and always pushing my heart aside. Our heart does a lot more thinking than our brain, really. Our brains function on fear and hunger- primitive topics. Our hearts, though, are where we experience the world and perceive it. Everything is rooted in the heart. Especially love. In two days I have to make a very hard decision about love. I’d be stupid to make the decision based on the rationalizations of my brain. I can’t let the fear control me. The train doors may start closing but you can always put your foot between them, and as long as your foot is there the doors won’t close; and as long as the doors don’t close, the train doesn’t move and you don’t have to worry about getting left behind. You just have to get over the fear of putting your foot between them. It may hurt a little. You might even bruise, but in the end you're okay. In the end, you're perfectly fine.