November 22, 2009

It's been days since I’ve written anything at all. Not even a Stream of Consciousness to report on. I haven't been home. My life has been spiraling out of control and I'm still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Joanna says I needed this. I can see her point. Last night was so great. I saw Chris and Carolyn again. I never realize exactly how much I miss them until we all reunite again and it suddenly hits me that I love them very much. I'm glad we all still make the effort to see each other. I wonder how many other people from my high school keep up with their group of friends. It seems like graduation was just yesterday, but by May we'll all be pushing Year Three of University. Time does some strange things. Time changes everything and sometimes it changes absolutely nothing. I can't figure out if I want everything in my life to change or if I want nothing in it to change. I go through moods where I want to be a new person, someone totally different. Last night I told Kristen I wanted to drink until I wasn't myself any more. Then I got really sad sitting in the dark. That hookah was really strong. I drank a lot and smoked a lot and ended up eye-to-eye with my dinner two hours after having eaten it. This didn’t even bother me. I didn't sleep much this weekend. I'm really glad I'm in a manic state because I don't feel very tired. I'm really glad I have the desire and motivation to see my friends. Although I make stupid mistakes because I feel indestructible and young, I'd much prefer the mania to the depression. I hate the depression. I hate the self loathing and the lack of motivation. The depression rots my heart. The mania is all in my head. It takes away the bumpers on the lane of life. It adds character to my motionless husk. The depression just kills me slowly. I watched a documentary on a man living with bi-polar disorder. He preferred the manias because they made him feel alive. I understand his point. The only downside of the mania is the memory loss and the attention deficit problems. I can't focus on anything or remember much of anything either. I don’t care though. I don’t care about anything. Memory and focus would require me to slow down. I don't want to slow down. I want to livelivelive. When the angel of death knocks on my door I want to be able to say "Go ahead. The only thing I haven't done yet, is die."